Now. Do it. Listen. Don’t stop for anything. Do not collect $200 or help any old ladies across the street. The flowers do not need to be smelled today. You have a band to pay attention to, and nothing should get in the way of that.

Louis XIV is cocky enough to know how damn good it is but clever enough to try to play off that cockiness and the general theme of the music (at least the first few songs on the album, ergo, probably the only songs 95% of the media has bothered to listen to from them when preparing an article) as essentially coming with the territory and totally not being a big deal. So let’s chalk it up to ‘confidence’ and ‘an appreciation of the female form and basic human survival instinct.’ Albeit, both with a spin, but that’s what makes it so fun. And look past the boobs/backs/bums, take a trip further into the latest release, “The Best Little Secrets Are Kept,” and you’ll be enveloped in a rolling landscape of Pink Floydian/Velvet Undergroundesque trip-outtery. We’re not changing the world here, folks, we’re just having a good time. Calm down.

The band was in town recently supporting the Little Vanisle Band That Could, Hot Hot Heat, as they hit the continent upside the head on their latest tour. Hot Hot Heat spent time supporting some great musicians while they were making themselves a household name, and are now doing the rest of us a favour by using their head-turning abilities to shine a spotlight one of those bands You Just May Have Never Heard Before. But don’t worry, you will. You probably are already. It’s about time. I find most of my new bands based on what ends up in my mailbox on any given day, and lucky me had not one but two Louis XIV albums in my possession by those means when the record label suddenly approached me offering up a few minutes to chat with the band before their sound check. Aces, count me in!

As mentioned before, media members tend to take an easy way out when creating interview questions for bands, especially after too late of an industry-schmooze-free-beer shindig the night before, or when they’ve been assigned to some band they just don’t care about. Fair enough I suppose. My interview confirmation came late the night before the day of the show, and overnight I pondered what things I might be curious about asking such a band. I realized how little I really knew, and spent the next morning poring over a couple dozen articles and bios from them, trying to find things to bounce off of them that they hadn’t already been inundated with. After all, this is a pretty unconventional band - heaven forbid I give them a boring interview. But I noticed a trend. I noticed oodles of quoted lyrics, a cutting-edge ‘analysis’ of those lyrics and their scaaaandalousness, a lot of talk about some very specific artists from the 70’s, and many queries about the objectification of women. A) give me a break. B) can we have a little bit of variety here, people? Not finding anything that wasn’t beaten into oblivion already, and also gleaning little open-ended information that I could jump off from, I thought about doing something totally off-the-rails. Completely random questions, perhaps taken from Trivial Pursuit or something? Another interview based off of song lyrics or titles? Maybe poke fun at their homogenous interviews of the past and do something fanciful with topics of old rock songs, old kings who were living the rock n’ roll life before its time, and women? Maybe a little from each column?? From a few incomplete random thoughts, a story began to take place… it seemed odd and I was very aware I might have the crap beat straight out of me by a bunch of surly rock stars who neither want to be awake in the early afternoon, nor in the company of pestering, random strangers, but with no time left to do something more professional, I went for the gusto, and come what may, at least they’re from San Diego, so if they take issue with me, I can probably avoid them pretty easily.

But you know, it went off pretty well. I walked into the bright and empty Commodore Ballroom, where the label rep, another well-known local media member, and half of Louis XIV were clustered around a table waiting for something to happen. Apparently, I was that ‘something.’ The camera man affiliated with the other media guy was stuck in traffic, so I was shuffled forth in the mix and had my way with the duo of Jason Hill and Brian Karscig first. Oh, how I love getting them untainted. Both of these guys sing and play guitar (etc.), and are also part of the founding group Convoy that this whole Louis XIV deal broke off from. If you want to know more about that though, you can do a search for any other interview they’ve ever done and learn all about their past. We settled in upstairs on some velvet sofas and leather chairs, stirred our sugar into our coffees, and began. At first, when some of the prevalent themes arose, I could see their expressions drop somewhat, like they were thinking, “dammit all, here we go again…” Going through the motions. I wondered if they might get up right then, throw my recorder out the window, exclaim, "We're out of here, this interview is over..." and stomp away fuming. Fear not though. They played along like troopers for a while but soon began emitting soft noises of surprise and realization when they figured out how everything was progressing. It’s a bit of a tale though, so I will leave you to read the whole little adventure for yourself. Amusingly, while they spent much of the interview seemingly wanting to downplay the skirt-chasing aspect of their personas, they ended up blowing that all to hell at the end of the Ten Questions feature by simultaneously making a casual pass at me. You can take a boy out of the boudoir…

As I set things up, the two of them settle into the couch humming over a printed sheet of paper that appears to be an article about them from some newspaper or another. Karscig is complaining incredulously about how horribly he was misquoted during the interview he’d done, regarding how they’d gone about choosing the model who appears nude (…but tastefully, you know, from the back, with all the song titles scribbled on with eyeliner I think, a process you can view on the band’s website) on the cover of “The Best Little Secrets Are Kept.”

JASON HILL: … [it said] that we were screening them for who had the best rack and ass.

BRIAN KARSCIG : Best raaaack. I said ‘best back and ass’, you know, ‘cuz we wrote the song titles on her back. And sooner or later you know… just horrible.

J : You sound like a heathen.

B : Oh yeah, I sound like a heathen. You know, we’re trying to be gentlemen here, and instead, that shit comes around… when have I ever referred to a woman’s breasts as a ‘rack’?! Oh well.

CORD : Okay this is me earlier today trying to write something and looking through past press and getting little to go on that would let me sort of break some ground. So I wrote a story.

J : Oh all right.

CORD : It’s kind of like a Choose Your Own Adventure, so you guys get to use your imagination.

J : Okay… so we choose directions…

CORD : Well I guess it’s not so much a Choose Your Own Adventure as, I just… give the adventure. But you sort of fill in the blanks.

B : Okay. Mad libs.

CORD : A little bit. A little bit. Kind of a cross between the two of them. Okay, there’s a time machine. And it’s set for 300 years ago. You’ve been invited to play at the king’s court. But in place of luggage, you have a bucket. (skeptical/amused faces from the band) And it’s kind of a big bucket, but there’s only enough room for two women and two albums but there’s every conceivable combination of woman and album that can be made on the face of the planet except… there are no T.Rex records, and that will be explained shortly. Who and what takes the trip with you to blow the minds of the hoity toity people of the court?

B : Who makes the trip in the bucket?

J : What two girls and what two albums?

CORD : Two albums.

B : Two albums. A black woman haha. For sure.

J : I would have to say uh… this is a really good question… uh… well my girlfriend of course would come with me. Um. Let’s see.

B : Two albums is hard.

J : That’s a really really hard one.

B : I would say… damn!

J : That really… I mean if T.Rex was even in it I don’t think I would take a T.Rex record.

B : I’d probably take a uh... Well a Beatles record, you’d probably have to. Maybe do Revolver. And... I don’t know what the other one could be. Exile On Main Street?

J : Would you though, or would you pick like Sticky Fingers?

B : I dunno, I think Exile On Main Street maybe 'cuz it’s long. More to listen to.

J : I dunno, that’s a reeeeally tough question.

B : Yeah Beatles and Stones…

J : You know what, I’d take a box set. (laughter)

B : There you go!

CORD : I don’t know if that counts!

J : Yeah that’s too difficult of a question I think.

CORD : Well we sort of answered it. Okay so the reason why there are no T.Rex records around is because this time machine was invented by some diabolical maniac and he used it to go back in time and snitch every master that Marc Bolan ever had a hand in. So in the future, none of these records exist.

B : A-ha, okay.

CORD : So after he finishes his time-traveling jaunt he somehow ends up in the king's court watching you guys play. You have a set time in the king’s court for three songs and you’ve been provided with a harpsichord, a viola and a baroque guitar. What songs do you play?

J : What’s broken about the guitar, do you know?

CORD : A BA-ROQUE guitar.

J : Oh, baroque.

B : I would say definitely "Guilty." (Here they joyously sing a duet. If you want to hear them harmonize like sweet young gods, click here).

(laughter)

J : Isn’t that Barbara Streisand and Barry Gibb?

B : Barry Gibb.

J : 1981. Um, what else... What would we play? So we’re playing the set.

CORD : Yeah.

J : And we’ve got three songs to play.

CORD : Yeah.

J : I think we’d definitely have to play our own songs.

B : Yeah for sure.

J : We’d probably play a little uh…

B : "Louis."

J : "Louis." "Pledge Of Allegiance." Maybe "A Letter To Dominique."

B : Maybe "A Letter To Dominique."

CORD : Okay that’s that. The king, himself somewhat of an avid guitar player, which is true, is going to accompany you on a song for the encore. You're gonna jam out on a cover tune with the king. What chords do you scribble out on a piece of paper for him to follow along to? What tune?

J : I think "If This Is It" by Huey Lewis and the News (huge laughter). I think that’s easy.

B : Yeah awww fuck. "If This Is It", Huey Lewis and the News, yeah.

J : It’s his later stuff, but it’s still good.

B : Yeah it’s his later stuff but it’s still just as good.

CORD : All right, so you spot a familiar face in the crowd. It’s the little shit who stole all the Bolan stuff.

B : Mmhmm.

CORD : Who would be evil enough to commit such a heinous act?

J : Wait what’s going on? I’m sorry.

CORD : It’s the guy who stole all the masters…

J : Who stole it?

CORD : Yeah.

B : Dean Pritchard from Animal House.

J : Yeah it was it was!

B : Wasnt it?

J : It totally was!

B : Yeah the Dean. The Dean. Dean from Animal House, he ruined the fun for us. I could see him doing something like that.

J : I don’t know if you’ve ever seen that movie, have you?

CORD : I have not.

B : Oh. It’s pretty cool. Yeah.

J : Or maybe Peewee Herman possibly.

B : He’s been blamed for a lot of things.

CORD : Okay so the chase is on through the streets of Paris. You have the court’s army after you because you just picked up and took off in the middle of your set just as people were beginning to kick their heels up, wigs falling off, the whole deal, so everyone’s pissed off. So they’re behind you. Suddenly the sounds of a lute echo through the alleyways… and you come across a blind minstrel playing songs of love. You ask him if he’s heard anyone go by here and he tells you it’s a secret he’s going to keep unless you give him an appropriate payment for it. What do you offer him?

J : Hmm. My love for a night hahaha.

B : Twenty bucks. Or its equivalent in modern day.

J : That’s shooting a little high.

CORD : He’s only answering you if you speak to him in poetry. So how do you say thanks when he points you in what you hope is the right direction?

B : Merci? That’s it, isn’t it?

J : May your love stretch over mountains and water…

B : Oh poetry, yes. …through the endless time of now… (laughter)

CORD : So off you all run. You're each brandishing a weapon of mass destruction.

J : Oh!

CORD : Something that might have viably been found in the court before you left. What do you have with you?

J : My mind.

B : Oooooh, very clever. Slingshot. (laughter. Much.)

CORD : Okay so you find the jerk with all the records beneath La Porte St-Denis. It’s time for the final showdown. Brandishing your various weapons, there’s a rumble both in front of and behind you. Is it the cheers of an adoring 16th Century audience? Well, evidently the guy took a trip way back in time and brought back a bonafide tyrannosaurus rex. He’s got a fuckin' dinosaur with him.

B : Whoa.

CORD : The huge reptile stomps out of the shadows and on the other side of him is that tower of masters that you came to get.

B : Oooh.

CORD : The golden-glowing pile of masters. And behind you, the noise behind you is the army of guards from the court, and they’ve come to drag you back to finish your performance. You realize your time is limited, and you need a plan. Keep in mind you still have your two albums, your two women, and your weapons…

B : Ahhh…

J : Now do we each have two women, or is it just two women...

CORD : Two women total.

J : Total..

B : Ooooh…

CORD : You need to get past the dinosaur and avoid the army. What do you do?

J : I say we each take one of the albums, listen to them on our headphones, feed the women to the dinosaur while we take off with the … No no…

B : That’s messed up.

(Hill's laughing like a galoot in the background)

J : But isn’t that what you’d do?

B : Yes.

J : I think that's a good answer to that.

B : No, we wouldn’t. What would we do? I’d say…

J : Well we’re heading back in time, correct?

B : Right.

J : If we’re lucky. Right? Or no... what’s the goal in this?

CORD : Yeah to go take the masters back.

J : So we don’t really need the two albums that we brought anyway 'cuz we’re going back…

B : So we feed THOSE to the dinosaur, wear the women, and get out of there with the masters. There we go.

CORD : Excellent. So you’ve succeeded, you have the masters.

J : Could dinosaurs eat records?

B : They could, depending on how hungry they are…

J : That'd probably be the way though right?

CORD : It’s a dinosaur. It’s probably never tasted a record before.

B : It very well may be interesting for him to taste.

CORD : So the army is stunned by what just happened - they probably have no idea what a dinosaur is anyway. Still, they tie you up with twine and they drag you off back to court.

J : Twine. (chuckles and looks exchanged)

CORD : You try to pay them off to let you go, but they tell you that the tender you are offering them is illegal in Paris. What have you offered them?

B : Ohhhh. I get it, yeah.

J : I think young girls are legal in Paris.

B : I would say um… What is it that we offer them? Is that the question?

J : I’m trying not to sound like a heathen.

B : I know. I’m trying to do the same (laughs)

J : I’m forcing myself not to! (said through laughter)

B : Rrrrrrack and ass. Heheheh.

J : I think uh… actually repeat the whole part. So we offer illegal tender to the, the…

CORD : Yeah you want to convince them to let you go so you can go back to now.

B : Right.

CORD : But they're still pissed off at you leaving so… you have to bribe them to let you go.

J : And what… we bribe them, what illegal tender do we bribe them with? Uhhh, affection. It’s illegal in those parts.

B : That is... It is illegal.

J : Haha... Affection. That’s unbelievable.

B : That’s right.

CORD : So back at the court, the king is vastly entertained by your tale and your mission, orders the guards to free you, and in fact rewards your bravery with a trip to the palace boudoir with one of the fine ladies of the court. She says she will be your teacher in the ways of 16th century mistress arts. What do you ask her to teach you?

J : Hmm.

B : Hmm.

(massive rumble of laughter and talking at once)

J : You’re just setting us up!

B : I know!

J : There’s all these answers we really wanna say but we can’t.

B : I would say…

CORD : It’s your personal movie time. We’re not serious here. As if this would actually happen …

B : Riiight…

J : A little French nocturne. Have you ever watched Deadwood, you know that show Deadwood? You haven't watched HBO I imagine, right? We have like all the DVDs. Anyways…

B : French nocturnes is what they call them...

J : They call anal sex, French nocturnes, is what they call them. Um… I would say teach us… um...

B : Oh this is so hard!

J : For her to teach US?! I would just say you know, I just… a rough time and bathing and…

B : Yeah!

J : Just show us a bit about bathing.

B : Bathing. (looks at Hill) You need lessons in that. I would say lessons in those dresses that they wear. I wanna know how to wear one of those.

CORD : That’s a good segue. That’s a really good segue. How long does it take to get to the centre of a 16th century tootsie pop that's wearing twelve skirts and seven petticoats with four hundred tiny buttons and cinch-tied backs?

J : You know, I don’t think time is an issue. I would like to take my time on that.

B : Good answer! Mmm about seven minutes. I’d say about seven. Depending of course.

CORD : The time has come for you to go home, first returning the masters to their rightful owner.

J : Would that be Rolan? Would that be Rolan Bolan?

B : Rolan Bolan. The son of Marc Bolan.

CORD : Now you have a mass of these masters that must fit into your bucket. You have to leave one of your women and one of the albums behind. Those things are not coming back to this day and age.

J : Well Brian’s girl’s not coming with us.

B : Yeah whatever!

J : I don’t think we really decided on an album.

CORD : This does change the course of history, so now that album will be forever vanquished from existence.

J : Oh.

B : Ahhh!

J : Sports! Sports by Huey Lewis and the News.

B : Obviously! By Huey Lewis and the News.

J : The amazing multi-platinum…

B : Wait a minute, that’s what we got rid of?

J : Did we take that along in the first place? I think we’d take that one back... Change the course of time… (laughter all around)

CORD : Okay so you get back in the time machine and set it for the summer of 1977. But on the way you stop in 1892 to rewrite the Pledge of Allegiance.

J, B : Oh!

CORD : What will schoolchildren all across the nation now be reciting every morning in class?

J : Milkshake milkshake I love to see you sweat. We don’t have to go to the pool if you want me to make you wet. Every morning they’ll say that.

B : Yeah. Obviously! (laughing)

CORD : Now that's changing the course of history.

J : Yeah hahaha! That would certainly change the course of America.

CORD : Okay so on to 1977. You bring back all the masters to Marc himself. The time machine though is running low on energy and you only have one minute before you have to go. What do you say to him?

J : Uh… I really liked "Telegram Sam."

B : I would say I really liked "Broken Hearted Blues," it’s a good song. Thanks for the great song. Thanks for letting us erase your history so we could now introduce people to it with your masters.

J : Pillage them all.

B : Hahah pillage you!

J : This is our new song, “Bang A Gong!”

B : Yeah ahha.

CORD : How cruel! Okay you made it, off you go… but oh no, you’ve miscalculated! The time machine is coming apart and disintegrating into a million billion pieces. Into the cosmic stratosphere. Luckily, Bolan was right about that whole reincarnation thing. You get reborn into the modern world. What do you come back as?

J : What do we come back as other than a human?

CORD : Yeah.

J : I’d probably be a ferret.

B : A ferret, yeah you could be a ferret, they're so soft and cute. I do know what I’d say to Marc Bolan though in my one minute.

J : What?

B : Don’t get in the car with your girlfriend on this day, she can’t drive!

J : Exactly.

B : You know. Yeah I’d say that. And I’d come back as a swine.

CORD : A swine...

J : I’d come back as a swan.

B : Yeah that’s what I meant. Did I say swine?

J : Yeah hahah. You're a pig, I’m a swan.

B : Oh... The swan and pig.

CORD : That could be magical. Well that’s it for the interview.

B : That was one of the coolest interviews we’ve ever had. I had fun.

J : Thanks. Sorry all our answers we’re probably… I just wasn’t with it.

B : Yeah on the spot we’re horrible.

Elsewhere

By Andy Scheffler
Photos : Andy Scheffler
Published : April 2005.